Dear Joey,
My son, a high school senior, has a 22-year-old girlfriend. He failed most of his classes, and is scrambling for credits to graduate. His girlfriend supports him in that goal, but she is a high school dropout. She is also a smoker. Recently, I found cigarettes in my son’s bedroom. He said they were hers, but I knew he was lying. He knows his grandfathers died of lung cancer after decades of smoking, so I was angry. When his girlfriend came by, I asked if she left the cigarettes. Without hesitation, she said no, she smokes a different brand. My son later confessed that the cigarettes were his. I cancelled his Christmas present (a ski trip), but don’t know what else to do.
Be grateful that your son’s girlfriend answered you honestly. She may be a high school dropout, but she’s educated enough to value her integrity. After all, she could have covered for your son, but she chose not to do so. Maybe her influence on him is more positive than you believe. Why not entertain that possibility?
Given the tobacco addiction in your family, your fear about lung disease is understandable. Everyone knows that smoking and vaping cause emphysema, heart disease or cancer. We also know that second-hand smoke from both sources can cause asthma attacks, sudden infant death, heart disease or cancer. Scientists say the farming and processing of tobacco contributes to climate change. Your refusal to support environmental degradation is commendable.
The next step is for you to invite your son and his girlfriend for tea and conversation. Don\’t plead, nag, or whine. Treat the pair as your equals. Suggest that they quit together. Point out how much money they can bank by not buying cigs. Dangle a tantalizing (but not extravagant) reward in exchange for kicking the addiction. Your son might initially shrug off the invitation to improve his life, but I bet his girlfriend will go for it, and that means he’ll get on board, too.
©Joey Garcia. All Rights Reserved.
Joey Garcia coaches teens and adults to have happier, more satisfying relationships. For 25 years she has written the Ask Joey column in the Sacramento News and Review newspaper. She is also the Relationship Expert for
KTXL-TV.
