Dear Joey,
I had prostate cancer and need a penis pump and Viagra to maintain an erection. The side effects of Viagra concern me, but the penis pump alone doesn’t do the trick. My girlfriend broke up with me after my doctor released me to go back to work. She denies it, but I know it was because of her fears about intimacy. I didn’t expect to ever be on the market again, but here I am. When do I tell a woman I am interested in about my post-cancer problem? Is the first date too soon? I don’t want to wait too long, but I don’t want to overshare, either.
For most people, sexual intimacy is one benefit of being in a relationship, but not the only reason they desire a partner. Some people are seeking affection, not sex. Others mostly want a companion for outings and travel. A few people are driven by the fear of being alone as they age, and want a partner to fill the empty spaces in their lives. Human beings are complicated, and that means there are a multitude of explanations behind why we date. If you accept this perspective, the urgency you feel to tell-all will subside. When it does, your story can unfold naturally over the course of getting to know a woman.
Let’s look at rejection. Your girlfriend broke up with you while you wrestled with erectile dysfunction. Were there relationship problems prior to that time? When we talked by phone, you said yes. The two of you were proud of being work-a-holics, were each other’s arm candy at social functions, but didn’t enjoy much of an emotional connection. You argued a lot, more than most couples by your own admission. Yet your mind tied the breakup to sexual intercourse. Is it possible the breakup would have happened anyway? Or—taka a breath— should the breakup have occurred earlier?
Opening your mind to new perspectives frees you to love yourself fully. And that makes it easier to open your heart to a new woman and new ways of exploring sexual pleasure. A woman who ends a relationship with you because of sexual intimacy concerns is not rejecting you. She’s admitting that she can’t handle the situation. Don’t be offended by honesty—be grateful for it.
©JoeyGarcia. All Rights Reserved.
Joey Garcia has taught relationship education courses to teens and adults for more than 20 years. Since 1996, she has written the Ask Joey advice column for the Sacramento News & Review newspaper. She is also the relationship expert for
KTXL-TV. Have a question for Joey? Interested in her life coaching services? Send her an
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