I’m in my 30s and crushing on a younger guy who delivers wine to my workplace four times a week. We would chat and flirt during his deliveries but only saw each other once a week outside of work. I felt neglected and taken for granted. I sent a text saying we shouldn’t spend time together outside of work anymore. He texted back immediately said he still wanted to see me. He still gives me attention at work but off-hours, nothing. I know that I suggested we stop seeing each other but I was trying to open dialogue about how he was acting. It backfired. Is he too young to get it? We started texting again recently but he hasn\’t initiated hanging out. What am I doing wrong?
You’re being dishonest. It’s as though you invited the wine guy to play an old school board game but kept the rules, game pieces, and board, all to yourself. He doesn\’t stand a chance because he doesn\’t have the information you\’re withholding. So it’s not that he’s too young to have a clue, it’s that you refused to clue him in. Here’s why: You’ve convinced yourself that he is consciously choosing to hurt you because he\’s cool with a low-key relationship. You want more than a casual connection but aren\’t willing to risk your heart to tell him.
Do you think he should suddenly see how amazing you are and hurl himself into a passionate can’t-live-without-you thing? That\’s a script for a movie, it\’s lyrics to a song, but it\’s rarely how a healthy relationship unfolds. When your thoughts taunt you with ideas about how the wine guy should romance you, tell yourself that not every thought is true or even useful. Try hard not to believe every mean thing you tell yourself about him.
Get honest about why you chose to manipulate the wine guy rather than initiating an invitation to get together more often. The text telling him you were over was passive-aggressive. You expected him to protest and he did. You expected him to take up more space in your life. Instead, your mixed signals inspire him to continue to be friendly and professional at work while respecting your wish not to hang out. His choices sound emotionally mature to me.
Muster the courage to open your heart and say, “I want to spend more time with you. Is that something you want? If so, how can we make it happen?” Relationships advance as two people learn to trust each other enough to share their inner lives and intertwine their goals. If one of your goals is a committed relationship, open your heart and speak up for what you desire. The wine guy may not be interested in anything more than a casual relationship, but you will be absolutely clear how to proceed.
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Joey Garcia coaches teens and adults who want more joy and personal power in their lives. She writes a weekly advice column for the Sacramento News & Review newspaper and is the Relationship Expert for KTXL-TV.
